I have a goal in life. I want to record noise from the Indy 500, football games at The Big House and Spartan Stadium, and New York’s Times Square on New Year’s Eve and blast it simultaneously through the world’s biggest loud speaker …  …precisely at the time Tiger Woods goes into his famous backswing … and see what happens.

Based on his threat at the recent WGC-CA Championship in Florida to break the (expletive) neck of a photographer whose camera went “click,” I think I know the answer. Tiger is the world’s greatest golfer — by far — but ask yourself: “What would Palmer, Nicklaus or Watson have done in the same situation?” We all know the answer.

With that said (my wife threatens to break my neck when I use that expression), I would go one step further and say my even bigger goal in life is to see a professional golf tournament played under the same decibel levels as football, basketball, baseball, hockey or any other sport where you are allowed to at least yawn. The same goes for the etiquette-laden game of tennis.

If Tiger wants “Quiet, Please,” he should be expected to control his verbal emotions on the golf course —especially a guy who drives the ball 350 yards down the middle of the fairway, takes out a 9-iron 200 yards from the green and shoots it straight as an arrow where it lands 30 feet past the pin, and leaves a huge skid mark as it propels in reverse directly into the hole for a double eagle.

Only guys like me, whose skill level can only be described as #!^@* — should be allowed to express great dissatisfaction (aka uncontrollable anger frothing with profanity) — a horrible hacker who drives it 150 yards (with a 100-mph tailwind), shanks it 3 feet with a 9-iron, whiffs his putt and takes a 102, on a Par 3. Now, that’s someone who is entitled to get a little ticked off now and then.

Some etiquette eaters would argue that golf and tennis are noble professions and that the silence that accompanies a golf swing is a tradition that dates back, well, even before I was born. Maybe so, ole jolly good sport, but wouldn’t it be interesting to hear a bunch of boo birds lining the course screaming and hollering every time Tiger, or Phil, or Freddy, brought their putter back? Really good sport, I say, ole chap.

Heck, I bet a good humor golfer like Lee Trevino would love playing under those conditions one time just for the experience. Here’s a guy who truly plays the game for the fun of  it. I watched him crack jokes on every hole of every round he played a few years ago at the Par 3 Shoot-out at Gaylord’s Treetops Resort. It didn’t hurt his demeanor that he gained a $1 million-plus hole-in-one for his effort.

If Tiger played in a noisy, rowdy atmosphere just once, I think he might think twice the next time he heard a “click.”

Another way to look at it is that Tiger wouldn’t be a multi-billionaire if it weren’t for all those media photographers who splash his picture all over the world almost every day of the week. Indirectly, this is what brings home his gigantic paycheck.

Tiger makes millions in commercial endorsements from all those commercials. He has to hear a “click” before his cash register can “ring.”

Geez, I wish someone would take a picture of me during my back swing. I wouldn’t even ask to be paid for it.

— Jim Grisso is publisher emeritus of the Gaylord Herald Times.

Contact him at jim@gaylordheraldtimes.com

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